I’m sure that most of you, too, have received the coupon for a free-Angels-Satin Panty-(Please-see-associate-for-redemption.-No-purchase-necessary)-plus-$5-off-any-bra coupon from Victoria’s Secret. Yes, the V.S. bra models’ facial expressions are usually a little bit over the top…but this one. This one. This one was the impetus for hooking up my scanner to the computer immediately, now, for your benefit:

I finished a letter to P. today. A long-ish letter. An honest letter. He might be scared of it. P., tell me later, were you scared of it?

Here is my new struggle with having a blog: who the hell am I writing to? Are you reading this? If I talk to you regularly, do you know this already?

I returned to The Coffee Shop (capitalization intentional—that place where things happen, where one can think, watch, yearn, focus, separate, connect--all of these things all at once) this evening. I returned there (following a long hiatus) after picking out a cute little baby present for C. and E.’s one month old son, cleaning up the kitchen, working madly through the NYT crossword puzzle (of course I didn’t finish it do I ever finish it have I ever finished it am I capable of ever finishing it surely, completely?) while smoking a cigarette that disgusted me, stretched my legs, put on pants and rolled up one leg to take my bike, thought better of it (and remembered which coffee shops were open late) and rolled my pant leg back down, and walked there instead. I hadn’t had coffee all day. And as soon as I made it halfway through the cup, I realized that my god, my day is just so much better when I start it with a cup of strong coffee. I ended up having two—not necessarily a great idea when the first one happens at 8-ish p.m., but perhaps my productivity streak will last until the wee hours. I started writing—just reflections—and found some strange comfort and calm in the fact that there were a just a few pages left in my notebook. I haven’t officially “finished” a notebook in about 3 years. I have multiple notebooks, and I have been bouncing back and forth (but not in an organized Golden Notebook way) between them for quite a while. To make sense of any of sporadic life documentation from this time would be difficult considering not only is it sporadic but also completely out of sequence: the notebooks are not separated by any truly organized conceptual logic. It is nice to finish one, to close it off, when it seems that that is what I so desperately need right now—to have something clear, defined, to have something either be done or just begun. Things come together when they need to, despite how I wish to not believe this, to believe that I do not believe this. The fall months: beginning and/or end...
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